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Here's my internet blog where I make a blog for me because it's my blog. THAT'S IT.



Entries

8/14/2025. No one ever stays the same

Today I picked Mayuna up from the airport. We talked about graduation and she said she's looking forward to returning to Japan. After five years of challenging herself studying abroad, she was ready for it to end. The phrase she used was: jyuubun ganbatta (too lazy to get japanese font), which means "I've done my best" but I guess it can also be taken the way I took it- "I've fought enough". (Translation is never 1 to 1... but I that.)
I've been having trouble figuring out the new personality I've ended up with in the past month. I'm slipping away from the person I used to be way too quickly for comfort. I know that I can't ignore the direction I'm going in but the end goal is too far away to be seen right now, which makes moving forward terrifying. Being inbetween points of clarity is KILLING ME. Thinking rationally, all the changes I'm experiencing are just the shedding of coping mechanisms that no longer serve me. So I'm trying to tell myself that No One Stays the Same and that I don't need to keep up old fights anymore. It's time for me to move forward and accept that I am just different now. No matter what the end of this new fight is, I'll be more me than I was before.

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7/29/2025. The grown-up fear of no longer being afraid.

I've been thinking about how to write this for a bit but I rewatched this Gerard Way NME interview clip about wanting to make something of himself when he was a really angry kid (he's super successful though, so the end is not helpful LOL) and was bored of drawing a fucking toothbrush for work so here we go.

Ever since sixth grade, spite was the only thing keeping me afloat. The only solution to the worthlessness I felt was to get revenge; everyone needed to regret what they did to me. I wanted a "that'll show them" moment soooo badly that I could've died for it. INSTEAD, the other option I thought of was to become so successful and enviable they'd finally see that I was better than them. I don't know if I ever really believed it- I was just coping via overcompensation for my fears. ANYWAYS. I wanted to be so good at art and get a huge art job so I could ditch my family and all the other assholes. Keep in mind that I was 12 LOL. This crazy mindset lasted until mid-college. It's what fueled my sophomore speedrun of any art position I could get. Maybe it was delusion but during that speedrun period, I genuinely enjoyed loving art and chasing an art career. I thought that I had found what I was meant to do with my life and I just didn't need to have depression and anxiety anymore. And then I fell into a deep depression and decided that maybe I hate art.

Okay I don't hate ALLLLL art. But what do you do with a dream you can't keep fueled anymore? Sometimes I think that without that spite, I just don't have it in me to be creative anymore. I've grown up. Larry from My American Heart recently said that he didn't/doesn't pursue music after MAH fell through in 2009 because his desire to create was just suddenly switched off. I totally felt that. Now Larry works in the beer industry and plays COD and has kids. Totally sweet and mundane. Part of me thinks that's still more boring than working in art so I can't be THAT grown up yet LMAO. I'm still in the trenches of being an adult teenger with inconsistent desires and opinions. I'm the one killing my dreams off and also the one desperately trying to resuscitate it... When I want to be optimistic, I tell myself that maybe this hardship will deepen my artistic experience somewhere in the future. But I only believe that a little bit. So whatever I guess. Who knows what any of this means.

Here's a list of emo songs about angry, spiteful kids who want to make something of themselves. Also they're all from 2005.

Staying on theme, all these bands fizzled out in different ways soon after their spite-fueled debuts. hooray.

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7/27/2025. Glad to have had fun. Left before it could end.

I'm home from visiting home. I saw my friends and nature and MCR and ate food yum. Ariel and I are playing Date Everything because we are IRL Dan and Phil. I actually feel less dead inside which proves that taking breaks is actually real. Here's some pics from home now that I'm back home.

Now, back to real life...

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7/20/2025. Post MCR Concert

MCR PLAYED BULLET WITH BUTTERFLY WINGS WHICH IS PROB MY FAV SMASHING PUMPKINS SONG YAYYYY!!!! KILLING MYSELF = POSTPONED!!!!! I was kind of scared it was going to be a nostalgia cash grab BUT THEN I was reminded why Gerard Way is such an art role model. The concept and execution was soooo funnnnnnnnnn. It's the first time I've felt actually inspired by entertainment in a long time. I might base one of my... themed entertainment(barf) class projects on the concert. I know I like MCR but it was such a reminder of why I like them when I was screaming lyrics that were simultaneously impacting me again in real time. 2000s alt rock mutated into something crazy (emo subculture) but the real root of it was just kids who had anger towards the world because of how they were treated. I'm not an emo but I AM angsty and some MCR lyrics just make you feel seen...After the Black Parade album (I love listening to albums top to bottom so this was so good), they played stuff off Three Cheers, Danger Days, and also played Boy Division(!) I think they were really engaged in the tour as a whole and they sounded so good. ALSO I saw franks PANSY guitar. I'm not a parasocial fan I just think its COOL. I'll prob have post-concert depression tomorrow.... atp listening to music is my only creative outlet (outlet for rage) and after shows my life is so obviously creatively empty. ANYWAYS tickets are so fucking expensive but I HAD FUN. I am a new person that allows myself to have fun and enjoy things without too much social anxiety. WOOHOOO!

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7/10/2025. Traumatic gender association is traumatic

A father whose only emotion is anger creates a world where all men are dangerous. A mother who is only self-absorbed means that women, however safer, only have selfish interests and also cannot be trusted. I actually have nothing else to say so here's the current (emo) playlist for pregaming another disastrous trip home:

The only thing stopping me from canceling my flight home is the MCR CONCERT I've outgrown trips home at this point and I definitely don't care that it makes me feel like an evil movie supervillain to say so to people who won't get it. ANYWAYS here's another rec for non trauma suffering folk: "The Muffs" album by The Muffs. See u guys on the flip...

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7/3/2025. June Mini-Report

I stayed up until 1PM figuring out the music player... I want to test this out more, so I think I'll do a mini June report. June was a long month where at first I thought I was coming into adulthood after May's family induced depression cleared, WeHo, drinking, going to a rock show (yay), 1st tattoo, & getting my sister's car. But now I actually still feel 14; I don't know WHO I am or WTF I'm doing. I've loved being involved in the community and its making working in the entertainment industry feel increasingly meaningless. That's prob why I am back on anxiety meds lol. Also I plan to have a big therapy discussion tomorrow/today wish me luck. Hopefully we find out eveything that is wrong with me.

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7/2/2025. THE BEGINNING!

hi internet welcome to my first internet blog. im on facetime with namrata because idk how to code.